Trigger Warning: This post shares breastfeeding information, but also mentions miscarriage.
Breastfeeding. There is so much controversy surrounding breastfeeding. I feel fortunate that I was able to breastfeed both of my children. It wasn’t always easy. Far from it. Two weeks in with my first I cried in pain every single time he nursed. I desperately phoned a lactation consultant and then cried even more at the hundreds of dollars it was going to cost us because our crappy insurance at the time didn’t cover her services. I called my husband in tears because of the cost (and likely the pain and newborn fog/fatigue combo) and he said “Just schedule an appointment. We’ll figure the money out later.”
She came over and without any hesitation I whipped out my boob to feed my newborn while she analyzed and provided feedback. Thankfully with some helpful suggestions and a prescription for All Purpose Nipple Ointment (this stuff was GOLD!!!), we got through this terrible shredded nipple pain and I was able to stick with it. (APNO is only available by prescription. However MotherLove makes a nipple cream available here that is also amazing if you don’t have access to APNO).
I’m very fortunate that I always produced enough milk. Actually I had a different problem with overactive letdown that would gag my child. So I had to learn how to delatch my (hungry, angry) baby as soon as I felt my letdown and have a burp cloth nearby so I could get rid of the extra/forceful milk while simultaneously holding my screaming/hungry newborn and then start the latching process all over again. Here is some more information from Kellymom about Forceful Letdown.
But all of those early day problems are now just a tiny blip in my memory. September 15, 2017 was a bittersweet day for me. For the previous five years, almost to the day, I’ve either been pregnant and/or breastfeeding. I was officially finished breastfeeding my youngest.
That morning was the first morning I got up and didn’t put on a nursing bra. In addition to a regular bra, I put on this necklace that I am so thankful to have to serve as a reminder of our journey and everything that came before. And I mean EVERYTHING that came before, including my struggles to stay pregnant and my fears that I may never be able to carry a baby to term.
I bought this necklace when I was pregnant with my second and it’s designed for him to play with while he was nursing. I love it because the five circles represent the five miscarriages that I had and it is a constant reminder that there was a point in time when I didn’t even know if I would be able to stay pregnant or have babies of my own. Both of my boys have had their tiny fingers intertwined in it during snuggle time or cuddles even when their nursing days were done.
So five years after my pregnancy and breastfeeding journey began, when I was sobbing and in pain and didn’t know what to do, seemingly in the blink of an eye, that phase of my life is over. It wasn’t always easy but I wouldn’t trade my experiences for the world. The good memories far outweigh the bad memories, and when I think about the good moments, my body is still overcome with that amazing feeling of knowing that I was providing nourishment and comfort to these tiny humans that I was blessed to help create.
So whether you’re just getting started and having a hard time or if your toddler is asking to nurse for the 7,643rd time today, remember it doesn’t last forever.
Disclaimer: If you are struggling with Postpartum Depression or Postpartum Anxiety, please speak with your medical professional. If breastfeeding is causing more stress for you, it is okay to stop. Fed is best.
Also, this post contains affiliate links. There is absolutely no cost to you, however Mom.Wine.Repeat earns a small percentage from each sale of any items purchased through the above links.
