Crushing. That’s my word right now. I feel crushing inside of me, my back feels tight and I feel a crushing feeling like my fascia and muscles are just squeezing and crushing the nerves causing pain down my left leg.
Crushing. Like the snow we got yesterday, in mid April, that is so heavy and literally crushing down the trees and bushes.
This winter has been crushing. From the first snow that was the same as yesterday’s snow, breaking branches and bringing down trees. It’s been a really hard winter. My youngest son has been going through a lot of sleep disturbances and behavior issues. I’ve been tested and forced to reflect on myself as a mother in ways that I’m not very comfortable doing. He’s pushed me to my limits in the best and worst ways possible.
I feel like I’m being crushed, pressed like grapes before they turn into wine or flowers before they turn into perfume to get the best version of myself out. It’s not easy and I feel like I’m not completely there yet.
But I don’t know how much more pressure I can take. It already feels like I can’t breathe, like something is crushing my chest and I cannot get a full inhalation.
Today the snow will melt. And I will melt too, into a puddle of my own tears and emotions as I struggle with getting to a better version of myself. Just like the physical pressure disappears as the snow melts, I will start to feel like I can breathe a little bit easier as I sit with my emotions and allow my body to feel whatever it is I need to feel.
