Dear 6 years ago Me,
You feel so sad. You are still emotionally recovering from your 3rd early miscarriage. And it was awful because you and your husband were visiting friends and their 4 month old baby out of town when you started bleeding.
Starting a family was the only thing you wanted and you were beginning to wonder if that was ever going to happen. And things are about to get worse.
In another couple months, you will suffer your 4th miscarriage and ultimately require surgery. You’re going to feel so sick that never again will you trust the old adage “if you’re feeling sick that means you have a healthy pregnancy.”
By this point, you’ve left your body and gone completely numb. So at a follow up visit when the doctor checked everything, said you were about to ovulate and gave you the go ahead, you guys tried again. And guess what? A healthy (clingy, never sleeping, colicky, lovable) baby boy was born 9 months later.
But you never healed. Emotionally. It’s not your fault. You were suddenly thrown into this new world of motherhood and taking time for yourself, loving yourself, was not something that would surface until years later, long after your second child was born and after life changing physical pain that has been trapped inside of you for so long.
I wish I could tell you to take the time to heal. To cry more. To take off of work and scream and kick and punch a pillow. To run as fast as you could as long as you could and then feel the air entering and exiting your lungs. To learn to be grateful and trust in something greater that good, no, absolutely amazing things would come to you.
But I’m not sure I would be where I am today without everything you’ve been through, and for that I am forever grateful.
