You won’t. OK hear me out before you immediately click close on this blog post. I loved my first son from the second he was born and I couldn’t even believe that I could experience something like that. The immediate connection was so strong and powerful that I never even worried when I was pregnant with my second son. Of course I would feel the same emotions with him and react the same way. I had read a ton and seen a lot of posts about how people were worried that they couldn’t love their second child as much as their first, and to be honest I thought it was kind of silly.
I thought of course you will love your second as much is your first. They are your child after all. But as soon as my second son was born (immediate life saving care he needed aside), I never truly felt a connection to him. I remember him being placed on my chest and me breastfeeding and looking down at him and I knew he was mine and I loved him but it felt so different than my first. I loved him, obviously, but there was just no connection like there was with my first son.
I told myself that by the time we left the hospital we had a connection, but sometimes I wonder if that was just what I told myself to help myself feel better. After all, my first son’s birth and first few days were very traumatic. After my second son was born and all he did was sleep and nurse, I was so grateful since it was just me and him in the hospital and I hadn’t suffered the physical trauma that I had with my first son. I told myself that by the time we left the hospital we had a connection, but sometimes I wonder if that was just what I told myself to help myself feel better.
Fast forward two years and lots of sleepless nights later and add in the fear that something might be wrong with your child and I realized that I felt like I had zero connection with my second son. He was already in therapy and his speech was delayed but my husband and I both felt like there was something else going on. During this time, I loved him and I fought for him like any mother would, but I struggled so much with connecting to him. And if I can be completely honest, enjoying him.
Fast forward another two years and lots of therapy later and I feel like I have the most intense connection with him that I can’t even begin to put into words. I feel like the connection is so powerful that I almost feel like I’m depriving my older son of something even though I spent plenty of time with him and constantly let him know how much I love him. The point is I can’t begin to describe this connection I have with my second son because it’s almost magical and I just can’t even stand how amazing he is and how lucky I am to be his mom.
So if you’re worried about not loving your second child as much as your first, don’t worry. The roller coaster of motherhood awaits you and during the difficult times just know that times better than you could ever imagine are waiting for you.
